


We Did So Many Bad Things

by happyxwalsh



Series: Season 4 [2]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Connor Needs Some Damn Happiness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mainly Depressing, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, Season 4 Episode 5: I Love Her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 00:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14904855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happyxwalsh/pseuds/happyxwalsh
Summary: The “We did so many bad things conversation” from 4x05, but it’s with Oliver and not Annalise.





	We Did So Many Bad Things

Connor sinks into his couch, feeling the weight of all his problems way him down - like he’s drowning and no one will hand him a lifeboat. So, he’s left to suffer. Everything feels much worse because Oliver is stuck at work, leaving the chronic feeling of loneliness to be amplified by a thousand. The younger man finds himself drinking an entire bottle of wine by himself, allowing his wall to slowly be demolished.

This is the lowest he’s felt for a while; it’s as if every pent up anxiety and frustration is pushing him over the edge. All his traumas are deafening screams that are slowly killing him and he really needs his Ollie to tell him everything will be okay.

Hours later, with his thoughts overlapping, the older man finally comes home. “Hey, sorry I was late for dinner. How was you day?” He smiles, walking towards his boyfriend to kiss him on the cheek.

“I don’t know, it was just... a day,” The younger man sighs hopelessly, slouching further into the couch.

“You okay?” Oliver usually asks this question, but it feels way more loaded because of how shit he’s been feeling lately.

“No. I’m far from okay,” Connor buries his head in his hands, to hide his quivering lip, “I’ve felt so depressed lately and lost. What the _hell_ am I doing?” A few tears trickle down his face, breaking Oliver’s heart at the sight. “Why was everything simply too much that it ended up with me failing out?”

“You- you failed out? Why didn’t you tell me earlier? It’s not like I’d be mad at something that never meant to happen.”

“You’d be disappointed and that’s the last thing I ever want you to feel about me. I mean, you deserve so much better than me, you deserve to be with someone who isn’t unstable like me.”

“But I don’t want to be with anyone else, Connor. You are the only one who I want to be with for my whole life; I want the life that you told me that you wanted,” Oliver holds Connor’s face, showing his pure undying love for him.

“ _That_ life means absolutely nothing to me. The only reason I want that life is because you’d be doing it with me,” his sad smile, fills Oliver’s heart with warmth and heartache at the same time. There’s a long silence, it’s almost haunting and in that very moment Connor’s stored away baggage was all about to explode. “We did so many bad things... Sam’s bloody head, Wes in the basement. You know, I’m actually jealous of him because at least he doesn’t have to live with any of this anymore.”

The older man’s stomach twists into knots, how blind has he been? How didn’t he know that his boyfriend is suicidal? “Connor- why didn’t you tell me that you’ve been feeling that way before?”

“You know I’m not good at talking about my feelings and it’s not exactly something you can casually bring up, without it being a big deal.”

“But- you do know that how you’re feeling is a big deal, right? Because it is. This isn’t something that will fade and I don’t want to take a chance on your life; I love you,” tears fall down both their faces, “if you ever think of hurting yourself, think of me and be strong.”

“I do,” Oliver’s head echoes out those words ‘ _I do_ ’. He barely recognises this Connor compared to the Connor who he fell in love with, “I’ve been keeping you in mind since we killed Sam. Don’t worry though, I’ve only really needed you in my brain when Wes died,” The law student takes a deep breath, knowing that everything is about to change, “I almost stepped in front of a bus and killed myself. Sometimes, I’ll think about that night and wonder what would have happened if I followed through. I’d be lying if I said I don’t regret walking away,” Oliver’s heart shatters at the thought of Connor feeling so rough that he wanted to give up completely. His mind races into overdrive of all these bad things and he quickly holds the younger man, but it definitely want to comfort Connor.

“Never leave me, _please_ ,” vulnerability fills both their eyes, bringing them closer together. Fear is a powerful emotion; it can either tear someone apart or make them feel so scared that they need the person more than ever. That’s how Oliver feels; scared. His entire life almost died last year and in one of the worst ways possible, and he didn’t even know. Their arms were suddenly locked together; they both couldn’t move. Maybe it’s the anxiety paralyzing them, or maybe it’s the feeling of the world slipping away. Whatever it is, they don’t care. All the bad things simply don’t matter, when they’re holding on to each other and their love is more powerful than the fear.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! <3


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